http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/en-EUhttp://backend.userland.com/rss092http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/cb/db2feea705c404642518d24838ae47_160x200.jpg <p>Why is it that when i come home from a night out i can never sleep, that i feel that there is so much more, that in my drunken state clarity comes to me? Im nearly 30, all my friends are in steady relationships/married, they have their lives planned out for them, and all i have is a bottle of vodka and a packet of cigarettes. If i could live my life drunk without any of the implications then i would. </p> <p>i dont know what i want, i dont know if i want children, i dont know what career path i want to follow, i barely know what i want to eat tomorrow. Is this normal for someone my age or am i an anomally? Am i the odd one out? </p> <p>Sometimes i think that leaving is the best choice, to move away, to start again would be refreshing. but i am so scared of the unknown. I know that that is at least a normal (whatever normal is) feeling. Most people are scared of change and of things that are different. i know women who are in miserable marriages because they are scared of what people would think if they left.... that must be worst than any thing that i feel right now. </p> <p>I live in such a small city that when people see a person of any ethnicity other than white on the street they still stare... how can this place be called a city when that still happens... a city that has had a university for 10 years and yet people still complain about those students that come here. i hate it here. i wish that i had the courage and the ability to just say ENOUGH and leave and move away. I am fed up of always being scared. </p> <p>so lets say that i was makng the plans to escape.... and i wanted to move to manchester (i love it there). How do i start?</p> <p>I need a job, somewhere to live.<br> What if i didnt make friends?<br> But then i guess unless i try i am always going to wonder what if????? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2009/09/19/the-3am-blues-6994088/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2009/09/19/the-3am-blues-6994088/Sat, 19 Sep 2009 03:29:25 +0200 <p>That time we were in San Diego and you got mad at me because i asked if you still wanted to get off the bus at this crappy little bar, and you sat down and the table and ordered me to get your beer.... your lazy and a bully and i wish id told you to get your own bloody beer.</p> <p>Each time you sat on your lazy backside in that grotty arm chair and ordered me to get your beer from the fridge because you couldnt be bothered.... i hated you every second that i go you that beer.</p> <p>the day before our wedding when you called me while i was picking up my wedding dress to tell me that you were mad because i was not home to clean the house for your friends coming over...i wish that i had told you to stuff the wedding as the truth was at that moment when you made me cry in the middle of a crouded resturant i didnt want to marry you.</p> <p>Your hygiene left a lot to be desired. It is now common place to shower more than once a week and to clean the bed sheets and covers more than once a year. The tide mark that your filth left on the bed sheets made me feel sick and each morning when you had gone to work i would fabreeze the bed and the room to attempt to make it smell nice, cause when i started changing the sheets more often you got mad that i was using to much water!!!!!</p> <p>you were the most boring person i have ever been on holiday with... sitting on a bench at San Diego Zoo listening to your ipod cause your too lazy to walk around is DULL. Wanting to sit in the hotel room each night watching american tv and ordering room service and NOT wanting to have sex... is DULL, being in Las Vegas and choosing to be in bed at eleven each night is DULL..... YOU ARE DULL.</p> <p>When i left i sold the sofas and bought a lap top.... i emptied the joint account and bought a new outfit, got very drunk with my friends and had FUN. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/11/03/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-my-soon-to-be-ex-husband-4973138/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/11/03/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-my-soon-to-be-ex-husband-4973138/Mon, 03 Nov 2008 00:20:18 +0100 <p>I have had enough of movies and books giving us a false impression of life and the way that things work out or in my case dont. Its not as if anyone would want to see a film about me. Imagine the plot idea;</p> <p>Overweight womans father dies, then gets married and husband walks out on her after five weeks,she loses her job, she gets depressed and cant leave the house, she gets fatter and fatter every day. </p> <p>the only way anyone would watch this is if it was one of those "all come good" movies, and the woman lost weight, went on a journey of self discovery, found love and happiness and the career that she always longed for and recovered from her severe depression. But this is where i am slightly dillousional, I think that for my life to be worth something, it has to be worth watching and i need to acheive these things. And then i will get my romantic moment with a guy and the life style that really in my more rational moments i am never going to get. </p> <p>Dont tell me to work hard for these things, cause i have been doing. I have been dieting, and exercising and still not lost any weight. I have been having treatment for depression for 2 and a half months, and i am stil totaly messed up. The dr tells me that i need to get over the depression before i tackle anything else, but they dont realise that a huge part of the depression is that i am fat, and that i dont have a job, or money or anything that makes me feel of some selfworth. Its like a pathetic catch 22 situation. </p> <p>what is so wrong with wanting your life to be like a book or a film, apart from the dillusional part, why cant my life be like a film. a i will loose all the weight and be stunning, and then while i am on the track to discovering myself, and dealing with my loses, and finding the path for me, i will meet the most wonderful man, who wont be anything like my ex, and who will treat me with respect at all times, and we will have a great life together. Who am i kidding, this is never going to happen, no matter how hard i try because i have started to believe that there are no happy endings in life, just life itself which is a catalogue of disapointments. </p> <p>Sometimes i am so scared that this is all that this life has to offer me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/films-4583536/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/films-4583536/Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:26:22 +0200 <p>the doctor has changed my medication, I am having withdrawl symptoms from the old ones. I had a disciplinary meeting with my employer and am now waiting to hear if i still have a job to go back to. Things are not gett better and I dont know why. </p> <p>The other day i actually googled "How to kill yourself" to find an easy way of doing it. I read somewhere that socrates kiled himself by drinking hemlock. He just added it to his drink and then the job was done. I dont know how to obtain hemlock. but i like the idea of just drinking something and then its over. </p> <p>I am fed up of people, they iritate me, always asking me "how you doing"? i know that they care and that is why they ask, but they dont really want me to tell them, they want me to say. "yeah i'm ok thanks" They do not want to hear the truth. The worst part is that i can see that there are people worse off than me, but it doesnt make any difference. I guess that is what depression does to a person. it makes you so selfish that you dont care about other people. In fact other people irritate me so much with their stories (everyone has them) and their stupid advice, that i get angry with them. About the smallest things. I just really dont know what to do. And when i say that i don think that i can totaly explain what that feels like. Its as though nothing makes sense, and that I am not able to figure out anything. as though everything i do is done by someone else who is in control of my body and I am just going along for the ride. I dont care about anything at all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/07/20/its-not-getting-better-4473700/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/07/20/its-not-getting-better-4473700/Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:56:32 +0200 <p>So thats my 28th Birthday over and done with, what a nightmare and now at least i do not have to go through that ordeal for another 363 days. </p> <p>The birthday celebrations involved lots of eating out, yummy, a meal with Mr A and a long walk in the park. it would have been almost romantic if it wasnt for the fact that he has made it very clear that he only sees me as a friend and nothing more. The following evening my female friends took me out for dinner, the meal was great, then the night got worse. </p> <p>I have not been drinking since the therapist told me that I have alcohol dependancy issues and sexual dependancy issues. So the idea of spending the night clubbing, and not being able to touch the two things that i love the most, was not high on my list. But they all wanted to and i just got dragged along for the ride. And then the arguements started. </p> <p>Arguement 1) Began about cigarettes, because one of the "girls" didnt want another one to smoke her fags!!!</p> <p>Arguement 2) Was about my friendship with MR A, who as i have said before is my friends ex, but i have known him long before they got together. It is obvious that my friends think that i am lying to them about what is going on between us, and that hurts. All night i could hear them talking about it when they thought that i wasnt listening. Whispering like children to one another. I stayed out of it, as is only best. But it hurts when your friends, people who have been your friends for most of your lifetime, do not belive you. They only have to ask me and I will tell them the truth. </p> <p>there is nothing going on, yes occasionaly we get a little drunk and kiss or something else, but he does not feel anything more than friendship, he told me so. I think that sometimes i wish that there could be more between us, but it would be forced purely because we get on so well and it would be convienient, i think that i love him, but its not enough. i am not in love with him. </p> <p>He his out tonight on a stag do, he text me to tell me. And it does cross my mind that he might pull and meet someone else. And then i will become that person again. the one who always ends up getting hurt. </p> <p>My therapist says that I may have confidence when it comes to doing things, like public speaking and work but i have very little confidence in myself. </p> <p>I am overweight, i dont think that i am very pretty, i know that i am a fairly nice person, other wise i wouldnt have friends. i am intelligent but not everyone appreciates that. Its like the fact that I like to read, and i write novels, and i paint. I smoke too much, and I drink about 15 cups of tea a day. I know that I have these things that I enjoy, like reading the paper with tea, a cigarette and toast on a saturday morning, going for walks in the park, visiting art gallerys and museums. So why is it so hard for me to actually be able to find someone who likes the lifestyle that i aspire to, and wants the same things out of life as i do? </p> <p>I am 28 now, and it feels as if time is running away with me and every so often I stop and look around and see that i have not actually done anything new in the last however long. </p> <p>I like the word Stagnating, as i think that it perfectly sums up my life 90% of the time. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/28/another-year-older-4377999/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/28/another-year-older-4377999/Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:13:17 +0200 <p>I had one of the most fun days on thursday with the man, A i will call him. We went to the seaside, and paddled in the sea. Then we went back to his and ate chinese food and drank wine, it was perfect. Then i stayed over the night. Nothing happened even though he wanted it to, then in the morning we talked about what the hell was going on. He says that he does not know how he feels about me, whether it is just friendship or something more. I feel the same, although i think that it is too easy for me to feel more for him than is there. I know that i am vulnerable to easily falling for someone because of THE EX. But A has been a fantastic friend, we get on so well and its almost as though there should be more to us than there is because it almost makes sense. I am so confused about the way I feel about him, I dont want it to just be a sex thing, i want to be respected and cared for by someone. Not used. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/21/relationships-why-do-they-have-to-be-so--4343525/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/21/relationships-why-do-they-have-to-be-so--4343525/Sat, 21 Jun 2008 10:59:01 +0200 <p>Today, my female taxi driver gave me a run down of her life story. It basically went...<br> Was a seamstress, got married, had kids, quit work, started work in office, quit that, left my husband, moved abroad, became a bus driver, became a taxi driver. </p> <p>Its as though she felt that by telling me her life story it would suddenly give me insight into what I am meant to be doing with my life. But I dont think driving or bus or a taxi is my thing, seeing as i dont even have a driving licence. </p> <p>I just need direction. I wish that i could figure it out. Does everyone have these moments, when they know that something has to change, that they need a new career, but cant work out what it is they want to do. I am nearly 28, i was sure that I would have things a little more figured out than this. The thing is when i was with my ex, i never thought much about what I would do with myself, cause i thought we were going to have kids and that would kind of be it for a few years. But now, were not together, and I am all options open to me, I am screwed. I dont have a clue. i dont know how long i can keep drifting around till i come up with something. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/05/the-things-you-learn-from-taxi-drivers-4276591/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/05/the-things-you-learn-from-taxi-drivers-4276591/Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:41:17 +0200 <p>I have begun the start of some radical changes. I have found the most beautiful little house at the seaside, its a three bedroom bungalow, walking distnance to the sea, in a small town about twenty minutes drive from Skegness. I have visions of me living there with my cat, and the dog I will most definatly get. Working at an animal rescue centre in the day and writing my second maybe third forth and fifth novel at night. Its a dream. And i cant let it go. Its a new life. I am not stupid enough to think that this will make all problems disapear, but I do know that a new start is something that I could benefit from at the moment. It might not be a really exciting place to live or an exciting thing to do. But I am not sure that I need all that kind of excitement. I need a more simple life. I really need my mums support in this though because the house i want i cant get on my own, especially if i am not going to be earning that much money anymore. i think that my mum can see that i need this. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/03/changes-4262987/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/03/changes-4262987/Tue, 03 Jun 2008 13:53:11 +0200 <p>Last night i went to my male friends house, the guy who i slept with a couple of weeks ago. We had a great night playing on the Wii and then I stayed over, which i often do and is not that bigger deal. But he was holding me, hugging me, he made me feel so safe and wanted and the feelings that I am getting are that of falling in love. It scared me there are so many reasons why we should not get it together.</p> <p>1) He is my friend.<br> 2) He is my friends ex boyfriend<br> 3) We both suffer from depression<br> 4) it could be a case of "because he is there"</p> <p>there is just something about the way he makes me feel, I was watching my friend tonight with her fella and I saw them hugging each other and kissing and I felt that i just really wanted that. And I want that with him. But is it worth taking the risk of loosing two friends? No its not. But i dont know how to stop it. </p> <p>Do i tell him how i feel and see if he feels the same, do i keep my mouth shut and continue with the excellent friendship that we have. But i just want to wake in his arms again. I want to wake in his arms every single morning. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/01/can-you-fall-in-love-with-the-wrong-pers-4252818/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/06/01/can-you-fall-in-love-with-the-wrong-pers-4252818/Sun, 01 Jun 2008 01:22:35 +0200 <p>I have spent the day either in bed or with my head down the toilet, I am not going to eat muscles again for a long long time!!!! Or drink cosmopolitians!!!</p> <p>Last night was awful to be quite honest, I knew it would be bad when I arrived at the pub wearing the very same outfit as my friend (who rushed home to get changed!) Then as we entered the restaurant there was an old ex boyfriend (who in all honesty I have never been fully able to get over)then I drank the cosmopolitians and ate the muscles. Little did I know that I was going to have some reaction to them. later that night once rather tipsy from the cosmopolitans, I found myself sat in a room with all these loved up couples, about to get married, or are married, and I had a huge wave of loneliness hit me. I couldnt stand it anymore, I had to get out of there, so while waiting for my taxi I broke down in tears. The shit realisation of what my life really isnt makes me feel sick. I dont want to be this person anymore, I dont like her. She drinks to much, sleeps around with random men she has no feelings for, cant bring herself to allow herself to care too much for someone, or be cared about too much. And yet I dream almost every night of being loved and cared for. Its something that I want but dont know if I can have it or even if I deserve it. </p> <p>Maybe I should leave, start a new life someplace else. I dont know if it would make me any happier, maybe i would just take these feelings somewhere else. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/05/25/title-4221392/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/05/25/title-4221392/Sun, 25 May 2008 21:23:42 +0200 <p>I have had one of the nicest weekends i have had in such a long time. And the most bizzarre fact is that it would have been my first wedding aniversary if we had still been together. I spent saturday morning shopping for jeans!!! And then spent the afternoon pampering myself, ready for a fantastic night out. We went to Nottingham, and my friend hired a Limo, it was so funny. A bunch of Lincolnshire Lasses in a white Limo going for a night out in Nottingham, it doesnt get more classy than that! Then Sunday, with my hang over from hell and after 5 hours with my head down the loo, i went to a BBQ, what a nice way to spend my wedding aniversary, with my friends! then today i have had a nice day with my family, and yet another bbq!!! Now i am sat in the still warm evening, covered in bites from the gnats, and dreading the fact that i have to go back to work tomorrow. Wishing and wishing that my life was something else. Does everyone feel this way, this feeling of dread that things are so mundane that you are desperate for something, almost anything to happen? Is this just me? </p> <p>Sometimes i day dream that i am someone else and have a different life, but even in my day dreams i still find the things that i do a bit dull. Oh no dont tell me that it is my imagination, that this is the dream and that the world i day dream about is real and that is just as dull. That gives no hope at all for anything exciting to happen to me. Or perhaps i should be saying not to me, because that implies that i am waiting around for something to happen, when i know that i should be going out and make it happen for myself. God its dull thoough, people constantly telling me that i need a plan... as though that will make it better, if i plan it all out. I cant figure out what to have for my tea most nights, never mind what career path i want to follow for the next few years. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/05/05/wonderful-weekend-4135580/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/05/05/wonderful-weekend-4135580/Mon, 05 May 2008 20:35:41 +0200 <p>I went to the doctor yesterday cause i was bit under the weather, i have had a cough for over a month now and the dr told me that it was an infection that was in my lungs. and i have got to go and have all these breathing tests done to see if i need an inhaler. I cant believe it, i love smoking its my way of relaxing, putting my feet up with a ciggie and a cuppa tea, and my breaks at work away from the desk all revolve around having a cigarette, and now no more. I am not stupid enough to risk keeping smoking, i may not want to stop but i know that my health must come first. So i have bought a nicorette inhalator and am giving that a shot and i can promise any smoker out there that this is really pure will power, these giving up aids are a myth, but pyschologically i think that something kicks in and they work that way. </p> <p>So its been 23 hours since i last had a ciggie and so far its not been to bad, but i have been off work and sleeping a lot cause of the infection. i am going back to work tomorrow and that will be the test. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/04/29/i-cant-believe-i-have-to-give-up-smoking-4109466/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/04/29/i-cant-believe-i-have-to-give-up-smoking-4109466/Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:16:24 +0200 <p>I havent been here for so long now, and it seems that the only time i write these days is when i am sad. I can only channel my creativity when i feel crap about myself and my life and that is not what i want. Its almost a year since i got married, i cant understand where the time has gone, the worst part is that i still miss him, even though he has his new life and has totally forgotten about me, i still think about him all the time, every day. Today i saw a car like his with a baby seat in it and it made me think that for all i know his knew girlfriend could b having a baby with him, he wouldnt have to tell me, there is no rule that says he needs to let me know. Why do i still think that i have anything to do with him any more. I still think of the house that he lives in with his new girlfriend as my house. Its not my house. i dont have my house anymore. If we had not got married i would not be feeling this way at all, i am sure. the most annoying thing is that i meet people, i have met a few really nice guys but i just mess it up because i am not ready. but i want to be ready so so so so badly want to be ready to have another relationship. i am fed up of being lonely. I know that there are people who say i should spend time getting to know me, but i know me, i know who i am i may not know what i want but why does that mean that i cant have a bit of fun, someone to spend time with and have fun with? </p> <p>I want to not be the person who is constantly moaning about her life, my boss actually said to me that i crave attention and play the poor old me card so that people pay me attention. I was so angry about this, but perhaps she has a point. I spend my time feeling sorry for myself and then i get a burst of self confidence and go out and get pissed and sleep with some random man who i run away from when they show me too much attention. </p> <p>I have even begun to find myself dull, and self obsessed, and wondering what happened to me.<br> Self pittying. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/04/27/i-hav-had-enough-4101433/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/04/27/i-hav-had-enough-4101433/Sun, 27 Apr 2008 16:01:27 +0200 <p>My Grandmother has just passed away. we have know for some time now that she was going to die,she has been ill for so long. but why is it still such a shock. my mum has just run up to the hospital to be with her father. it is her step mother, not her biological mother. And i am sat alone with a sick feeling, that i have had for days that has suddenly got worse. that is why i havent been able to go to the hospital because i have a poorly stomach and bowels. I am not sure how i am meant to act, i have cried and done that part and now i am just sat here waiting for i am not sure what. Nothing i suppose as there is nothing to wait for really. is there.</p> <p>I cant imagine that i am never going to see her again, because for all her faults, she cared about me. When my dad died, she was there, when my husband left, she was there. And she may not have always been the easiest person to get along with but she cared in her own misguided way. When i was 21 i saw her on the bus coming home from work and she told me that if i was not careful i was going to be left on the shelf. At 21! She told me that i was fat all the time, she fell out with her daughter really badly and said some really nasty things, but she still cared and she was still an important part of our life. </p> <p>She used to look after me when i was a small child and i dont have very many memories, but i remember her reading to me and showing me off to her friends. she was always so proud of me, and i was proud of her. for a woman who had not even turned 80 she had been through so very much. </p> <p>Brought up in Germany through the second world war, she had to listen to the bombs falling every night and wondering if they would hit her house next, then she fell in love with a british soilder (as so many women did), and he brought her to England, where they had four children, and lost a small baby that was stillborn. They split up and she remarried, a man who was not so nice, with him she had more children. Then they split up and years down the line, she met and married my grandfather in 1982. </p> <p>In 1999, her youngest son, died from a heroine overdose. In 2004 her eldest daughter was diagnoised with Cancer and is still fighting the battle of the recurring disease today. and in 2006 she had to look after he eldest son after he tried to take his own life. She was a stronger woman than i think many of us gave her credit.</p> <p>I will miss her, very much. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/goodbye~3593655/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/goodbye~3593655/Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:48:58 +0100 <p>The eve of christmas and here i am with my sixth large vodka and coke and a pack of 20 cigarettes and working my way steadily through both. </p> <p>I am enjoying this christmas, and i think that people are expecting me to fall apart or something. Ok, so it may be the first christmas without my ex, and yes it should have been the first christmas we spent together as a married couple. But were not and despite all desperation to text him and wish him a merry christmas i am not. </p> <p>Perhaps the vodka is helping me. But i am not going to spend christmas weeping into my turkey dinner. I refuse to do this. </p> <p>I am not religous, but i believe that we should spend this time celebrating those that we have in our lives, those things that are good in our lives. I understand that for so many people this is such a sad time. they may be alone or have lost someone or something important to them. and i am not to preach to anyone, other than myself. so all the things that i say here, in the privacy of my blog, (private that is from my family and friends) is about me, it is all reflective of my circumstances and not those that are more or less fortunate than i am. how can i make any form of judgement on anyone or anything that i do not know or have not experienced. </p> <p>i did have a dream that i went to church to try and attempt to find the answers to this mad exsistence that we all live in. i sat in the front row and as i realised that there was about to be a service and the Priest/Vicar stood at the front of his congregation and i panicked thinking that i did not want to be here and listen to this because this was not the answer. I know that i have read too many books and watched too many films, that i think that life works in the way they do. But i seem to remeber a saying by someone at sometime that sad that "Does life imitate art, or does art imitate life". If it is that latter then surely the books and films that i have seen and read must have some truth to them. The point it that i have this feeling that there is an answer to things, that there is a purpose in the things that we do other than pure exsistance. Perhaps i feel that i have to think this way because the idea that we exsist purely to die and not acomplish anything, makes me shudder. it makes me wonder what is the point in all the wars and the murder and violence that happens in the world if all we are doing passing time. </p> <p>it isnt even that i think that we are all meant for some big purpose, i just dont know what we are all meant for. </p> <p>My waffelling is not for the best. this was meant to be a merry christmas message. perhaps i just have too much to say ALL OF THE TIME. </p> <p>On that note please forgive the drunken ramblings of a sad seperated woman who is living with her mother and getting drunk alone on christmas eve. </p> <p>I plan to spend xmas day itself with my mother, sister and their families so its pretty ok.</p> <p>I wish all of you co-bloggers and really merry christmas and a very happy new year and hope that santa brings you all you wished for. and if he doesnt hit the sales. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/12/24/merry_christmas~3487665/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/12/24/merry_christmas~3487665/Mon, 24 Dec 2007 22:15:19 +0100 <p>i have been sleeping for 2 days solid, i have not dressed or showered i have just slept, with the aid of the tablets that the doctor gave me for panic attacks. everyone thinks that i am getting better because that is what i want them to think, so that things can start to get back to the way they should be. but i dont even know what that is anymore. i dont know what to do, where to work, what to eat, what to wear, who to talk to, who to spend time with. i think about the same things over and over again,in some sort of circle that sends me crazy to the point of hiding my head under the pillow and listening to music loud to drown out myself. My EX, My Job, what a mess i have made of things, having to collect my belongings from the job i just resigned from, money, christmas, lonelyness, not having a child. AND THIS IS WHY I WOULD RATHER SLEEP.</p> <p>i hate this version of myself, i dont know who is she is and i dont recognise myself anymore. i miss the old me, before all the shit happened. but you cant go back and even if you could how could you be sure that things would not just happen the same way. some people are made of strong stuff, me i am just made of crap. </p> <p>i do have a low opinion of myself, but i have never done anything worth not having a low opinion. </p> <p>i say to myself, quite a lot, GET OVER YOURSELF, there are a lot more people who are a lot worse off than me. but i would never tell someone who was diagnoised with cancer that there are people worse off than them. that would be horrible. </p> <p>i am fed up of people and their stupid "triumph" stories that they all feel that they HAVE to tell me. Everyone that you meet has one, they have been through something similar, their children have, their neices etc and they all came out the other side, and are now happier than they have ever been... blah blah blah blah blah. i hate these stories. they piss me off. I am not so stupid to think that things will be like this for ever, i am intelligent i know that things will be different this time next year. that is they way it works, but at the moment i HATE things and dont want them to exist. i would rather sleep. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/12/18/sleep~3460063/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/12/18/sleep~3460063/Tue, 18 Dec 2007 13:12:22 +0100 <p>Oh my !!! in 2 hours i am meant to be attending what i can only call a society wedding because you would think that there has never been another wedding in exsistence. I am battling with my demons yet again, knowing that i want to and almost have to attend, but knowing that people will be talking about me, and knowing that many years previous to the bride accepting the grooms proposal i had a 'thing' with the groom.</p> <p>It was not my fault i must make that clear. the bride and groom were in a relationship many years ago and they split up and i was on a night out with the groom as my rather married best friend was having an affair with one of his. We were dancing and i was drunk and he kissed me, and i cant lie and say that i didnt enjoy it or feel flattered. But then it went too far, he brought me home and things happened, although we never had sex but it was always him coming onto me, always him making the moves on me and i must admit that i was flattered. I had spent a lot of years of my life being in the shadow of the Bride and i thought that this was amasing that he liked me. the problem was that he didnt like me at all, he used me. I think that he was genuinley my friend, but as far as the sexual side of things went, he used me. i am not still to this day 7 years after the events entirely sure why he did what he did. And i have never spoken a word to the bride about it. As far as i am concerned all she knows is about when he kissed me. i hope that the groom had some decency about himself and has never told him. But i do not trust this man, he told the bride many things that were confided to him in confidence, i think he thought that he might be able to win her back in this way. all he did was ruin my friendship with the bride and that is something i can never forgive him for. </p> <p>i know that i should never have allowed him to take advantage of me in that way and that for that i am as responsable for what happened as he is. But i have an illness that i think is common in women, a self loathing illness that means i am stupid enough to have confussed love with sex. i like to think that i have grown and i no long do this but actually i know that i do. and i think many many other women do it too, but we are all so scared and in denial about it that we make out we just enjoy sex. </p> <p>I am fed up of this and that is way i vowed not to allow a man into my life at least until my divorce is final at least that way i stand a better chance of not being so vulnerable. And reading back over this i think to myself, gosh havent i started to get it all together, then i will log off the computer go to the wedding get drunk and most likely end up in bed with some random man. </p> <p>as for updates on other news...</p> <p>1) Ex husband to be has been made redundant... KARMA!!<br> 2) I had precancerous cells removed from my cervix the other day and it was a horrific experience, hopefully that has got rid of the badness and all will be well.<br> 3)i still havent decided what to do about the man i met on the internet.<br> 4)look for the picture of Bonnie and Clyde, they are my Guinea Pigs... i am an animal lover. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/10/20/society_wedding_of_the_year~3165956/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/10/20/society_wedding_of_the_year~3165956/Sat, 20 Oct 2007 11:22:37 +0200 <p>I have no idea how long it has been since i last posted anything but things have been low. And not a single thing has changed,,, other than the arrival of the newest members of the blog community. there names are Bonnie and Clyde and i will introduce them to you all soon. they are still shy and not really sure about Blogs and the community that it involves and seeing as they are different to me and most likely to you who is reading this i think that they are a bit shy. </p> <p>Love life is still none exsistant. I went out about a month ago and met this very good looking guy called Scott and i didnt want to sleep with him but, as most men, he assumed because i was talking to him it meant that i must want to have sex with him other wise there was no point in the conversation. and as soon as i made it clear that i was not about to let that happen he just left me... saying ; "you wont be offended if i go home?" What was i meant to say to that... so he left and i felt silly and had to get a cab back from my mates house where we had all decended for a afterhours party. it certainly did not do a lot for my self esteem and for my faith in the fact that there are still some decent men out there. but i am still tightly holding on to that.</p> <p>I have met a man online, and he seems lovely but i am scared to meet him. i am scared that i am not ready for another relationship or that he might not like me when and if he ever meets me in person. He wants to meet in a couple of weeks and i think that i might like that too. But i guess i will keep you updated on that issue.</p> <p>I have to attend a wedding next weekend, and not only do i not want to go to this wedding for fear of breaking down in tears over the fact that i only got married 5 months ago and have been seperated for 4... and the fact that everyone there knows about what has happened and will be looking and talking about me. It also clashes with the Rugby world cup final which England have miraculously managed to pull themself up and win a place in. So i think somehow that the bride might get a little annoyed that half of her guests are going to want to be watching the match when they are meant to be doing their first dance. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/10/14/title~3135391/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/10/14/title~3135391/Sun, 14 Oct 2007 18:41:24 +0200 <p>I went to the doctors again today and she has signed me off work for another week. As if that is going to make it all better. So as i was walking home from the doctor crying in the street (again) i realised that this is not that way that i want my life to be at all. and the only way that any of it is ever going to change is if i stop this self pittying shit and get on with things. So i have taken a positive step and i have started looking for a new job. And this afternoon i am going to start applying for them.</p> <p>I dont want to go back to the Me that feels sorry for herself all the time, i prefered the me that i used to be. COnfident and happy and i new what it was that i wanted out of life. i should never have let that man into it. At least i have learned my lesson, allbeit the hard way but one thing for sure i will never ever let myself get into this position ever again. NO WAY. </p> <p>I want to start writing again too, i have to admit that the motivation is lacking and the concentration but i am sure that there must be an idea somewhere in there. </p> <p>I wrote a novel once and i can bloody well do it again. </p> <p>Positivity. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/08/15/doctors~2811938/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/08/15/doctors~2811938/Wed, 15 Aug 2007 12:08:20 +0200 <p>Things have been stressfull. I have been signed off work by my doctor because i am depressed and she sent me to see the mental health team, and i sleep most of the day and am awake a lot of the night. So i am well and truely fed up with the way that my life is turning out and i am dealing with a lot of self pitying-ness at the moment. I cant quite understand how it has got to a point where i found my self nearing 30, about to get a divorce, no home and a job that makes me feel physically sick at the thought of it. Where the hell did it go wrong. I did the best that i could i worked hard at Uni and i thought that i had met the right man. how much of a fool am i. he was completely the wrong man. totaly the wrong man. </p> <p>I keep looking for some sort of get out clause where i can escape from the reality that has become my pathetic exsistence. and what really makes me dislike myself is that i see on the news and i read in the paper (ok i am not reading the paper at the moment as i can barely concentrate on it - my extent of concentration last an entire episode of Eastenders and i am done for the day) and i know that there are people whose life really are bad and they are suffering such ordeals that makes me seem even more pathetic for winging on about my life. And i know what people will say cause i have heard it a million times, that each persons problems are the worst because they are happening to them, but if that is meant to make me feel any bit better at all about what i am going through and how fake and stupid i feel then it doesnt. </p> <p>I thought that maybe i could leave and move to a new town and start again with a new job and new friends but then what are the garentess that i am going to be any better some where else. </p> <p>I hate everything at the moment and it makes me feel like i am teenager that is trying to rebel against things, i even went as far as almost getting one of those star tatoos that are oh so fashionable at the moment because i thought that it might make me feel like i am young and hip and cool. But then i realised who stupid i would look. But i still might do it. </p> <p>the easy answer to all this rubbish ( i dont like to use swear words its unladylike but i would have said shit or crap then) is that i sort my self out, go back to work and just get one with things. But i just want to stay in bed and pretend that none of this is happening to me. I thought about death a lot but i am even to scared of that so it really is not an option because i have nephews and nieces and i cant bare the thought of them having to be told that i am dead. and my mum would never cope with that so its not an option. and please there is no need to comment on that. i would rather somebody said that i was weak and pathetic and that i should go out and get on with it. not that its going to make the slightest bit of difference. </p> <p>Because no matter what i think and how i try to rationalise any of it, i still hate what has happened to my life and the fact that it has taken such dramatic turns and i still think that i am a crap person because there are people worse than me, but i will still continue to be self pittying and feel sorry for myself and stay in bed, and cry a lot and wish that i could disapear. </p> <p>Thats my half an hour a day done (i missed eastenders today) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/08/14/long_time_no_write~2809279/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/08/14/long_time_no_write~2809279/Tue, 14 Aug 2007 21:51:45 +0200 <p>i hate sunday evenings because i know that i have to get up at 6:30am (thats just 8 hours away) to go to work. i like my job just not the getting up.</p> <p>this has been a bit of a dull weekend, my mother has gone on holiday with my sister and niece and i have been left to my own devices, and when i try to contact my friends to do something they are all so busy with their own lives, which i can not be annoyed with but it makes me feel even more alone. I feel a bit like i am standing on the top of a really tall tower in the middle of the room where everyone i know is, and i am shouting "Hello, its me? have you forgotten about me? I need you all i need support and to be told i am not alone and that its all going to be ok." And i look down and they are all talking to one another or on their mobiles and they cant hear me. Occasionally someone will stop what they are doing and look as though they have realised that something is amiss, but then they carry on. I am not saying that i expect everyone to rally around me all the time and not think and about anything else, but sometimes i think that they have forgot me. </p> <p>i am so selfish!!!</p> <p>Other things that have been going on are that my friends boyfriend (who since last night is in fact her ex) has been telling people about my exploits last weekend,,,, the boy!!! What right has he got to be telling people my personl business. he is justifying it by saying that he had not realised that it was a secret, then started telling my friend lots of rubbish about how he could not believe that i was that kind of a person.... is he judging me? And what right does a man who dumped someone because he told her that he saw her as a friend and then she kissed someone and now he is upset about it, but says that he doesnt want a relationship, and smokes too much dope!!!! he cant judge me, i am a grown woman, i might not be proud of what i did or happy about it, in fact the less i think about it the better, but it is my place to choose. </p> <p>I am going to bed now, i have a throat infectiona and a fever and i have to be at work in the morning. God no job is worth that,,, but i will still go!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/07/15/sunday_blues~2641486/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/07/15/sunday_blues~2641486/Sun, 15 Jul 2007 22:32:57 +0200 <p>he met someone else, within 4 weeks of ending things with me and then he wanted to see his solicitor to get a seperation agreement drawn up and signed so that i couldnt take his house. I went to get a solicitor myself and he thought that i was trying to cause trouble. We have been, no actually i have, been having some stern words with himself. He wanted to try and get an annulment instead of having to wait a year to be able to get a divorce. but that would mean having to go to court and make statements and try to prove reasons why we should get an annulment so i put my foot down and said no. Its time that i started putting my self first. </p> <p>I did a really stupid things on saturday after i found out about his ability to move on from our marriage so quickly and i feel terrible for it, i slept with someone in a drunken state. I feel sick with myself, disgusted in myself i never thought that i was capable of that kind of thing. I do care what other people think about that, because i am embarrassed that i did it. If he founf out he would not be impressed, not that it has anything to do with him anymore, but legally we are still married and he will if he got wind of this make it an issue and make it difficult for me. He is like that. </p> <p>So now he has been to see his own solicitor and he now thinks that the seperation agreement is too expensive (its always about money).. and he thinks that if we can be amicable about things and keep on friendly terms then we can do this divorce thing ourselves. He then said, and i can asure you that this was for mainly my behalf, that we both had to get used to the idea of the other one moving on with their life. In other words, he thinks that i need to get used to the idea that he is starting to date again. Well two can play at that game, i dont want another relationship, i am not HIM, but i need someone who i can have fun with, go out with, so i am not stuck in with my 60 year old mother every night. </p> <p>All my friends are married with children, i have no friends who are in the position to just go out and do things. So perhaps i need a nice man to make me feel good about myself, and who i can do the same for him. It is an idealistic world that i live in, my ex was always making a point of telling me that i didnt live in the "real world". i am not entirely sure what the hell that means but never mind. </p> <p>I am only 27 and i have my whole life ahead of me and need to focus on the things that i want. And the things that i dont. And i dont want a repeat of saturday night, and i do want to be happy. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/07/11/my_husband_is_a_idiot~2616995/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/07/11/my_husband_is_a_idiot~2616995/Wed, 11 Jul 2007 19:12:16 +0200 <p>my ex husband of 4 weeks has met someone else aready. Apprently he went out last night and he met a woman and he pulled her and he doesnt know where it is going but he thought that he should let me know. i am not sure how he expected me to react. was i meant to thank him for telling me. I cried and i called him and screamed at him and sobbed at him and told him that he had broken my heart and that he was a BAST**D. He has disgusted me. He said that he is single now so he can do that. I still see myself as being married and i guess i was stupid enough to think that we still might get back together. </p> <p>What did i do wrong? I wish that i had never met him, i would rather have never had the experience of being with him cause it was too much hard work. I hate him with all that i can, and i think that he is pathetic and selfish and i dont want to talk to him or see him ever again. He thinks that i a going to sign some legal seperation document that states what i dont get in the divorce, and he has got another thing coming i am not signing a single thing. I want what is mine. I paid into that house for a year and a half, i used the money my father left me to buy us food and pay my way, i paid £2000 on a wedding that he never wanted in he first place. He knew all along that he didnt want to be married to me, that he wanted to be single so that he could shag about and sow his wild oats and now he has all his dreams come true. And i hope that he suffers for what he has done for me, i hate the fact that he has moved on and i hate the fact that i am the one who is left suffering. that is not the way it should be. </p> <p>i dont know where to go now, what to do next, my life has been turned upside down and things are all over the place, what do i do? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/07/07/title~2591143/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/07/07/title~2591143/Sat, 07 Jul 2007 16:28:48 +0200 <p>Its been such a long time since i last wrote. So here is a catch up.</p> <p>My husband no longer loves me or wants to be in a relationship with me and i have been forced to leave my home because he owns the house. So i am living with my mum again, and back in my old tiny tiny bedroom. I had a birthday yesterday and am now 27 years old. And i am unhappy and hate pretty much everything that is going on at the moment. Nothing is going the way that i had thought that it would. </p> <p>I know that i am full of self pitty but i am really unhappy and feel general poo. I dont know what to do to make myself feel better because i cant stand this feeling for much longer. it is horrible. i am just trying to continue with the motions not really caring what is going on and try to understand how the hell i have found myself in this position. What did i do wrong, where did it go wrong, why doesnt he love me any more and so on and on and on and on. i hate it all. </p> <p>I am jealous of every single person that has someone, even if i dont know them and i just see them in the street. how pathetic is that. i just want to feel loved and special cause right now i feel horribly unattractive and fat and ugly and stupid and a million other self pittying nouns/verbs. </p> <p>i want to remember what it feels like to be happy and to have fun cause there is a lot of that missing in my life at the moment. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/27/title~2530351/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/27/title~2530351/Wed, 27 Jun 2007 15:45:23 +0200 <p>that is it, my marriage truely is over, i spoke to him on the phone and told me that it was over. i cant understand this at all. how could he not want to be with me anymore. this makes no sense at all. i have gone from being happily married a week ago to being seperated today. i have so much that i need to think about, where am i going to live, what i am going to do, he is my best friend and i have lost him and i dont even know why. he still wants me to go home on saturday and talk about it all. but like my sister said what is there to talk about? He does not want me and there is nothing i can do about it. cant imagine not having him in my life, what am i going to do without him. </p> <p>i know that i need to start getting on with my life, but i dont want to have to. i want my husband back, so that i can love him and he can love me and we can be happy. i want to hate him so much and i dont. i want to go home and not be in manchester any more but i cant because i no longer have a home to go to. i have to find somewhere new to live and i havent even started getting paid for my new job yet..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/13/its_over~2447170/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/13/its_over~2447170/Wed, 13 Jun 2007 18:43:29 +0200 <p>Well i have left my husband for a few days to give him time to try and think about what it is he wants. Last night my sister called me and i told her everything that had been going on and she invited me to stay with her for a few days. then last night me and my husband talked more and we went over the same things time and time again. he still feels the same, and it doesnt seem to matter what it is i say to him i am unable to change his mind. Or even help him realise what he wants. We were stood in the kitchen and he was holding me tight to him saying that he was sorry and that he had never meant to hurt me this way, i cant remember how this came to but he told me that it wasnt just marriage that he was not wanting to have, that it was marriage with me that he was not sure that he wants. So basically he is telling me that he does not want to be in any form of relationship with me anymore. So i decided to leave. Just for a few days. i went to my friends last night and she gave me vodka and cigarettes and i got drunk. this was after i had walked the streets of where i live sobbing my heart out while i was on the telephone to my mother trying to tell her that i was going to be ok, but all i could blurt out was that i could not understand what was going on. so after drinking and smoking then i went home to my husband and i curled up in a pile in the spare room and listened to my ipod while writing in my diary, and crying again. it was late when i fell asleep but i have no idea what time, and i woke at 4am, and never went back to sleep. i cried myself until i was physically sick, and shaking. my eyes swelled up and my skin was blotchy. my being sick woke him and he called to me and took me to our bed, then he lay me on the bed and pulled the quilt over me and held me, telling me to calm down and soothing me, and all i could think was how could he so obviously care so much for me and at the same time want things to be over. So i called in sick at work as i was in no fit state at all. i explained that we were seperated, i think that is a fair comment. And i asked for the rest of the week off, and he said no problem. Then i left and came to manchester. I feel as though i am numb, that none of this is real and that things are all going to sort themselves out in the end. i dont think, despite my ability to tell people that i think that we arer seperated, that i can actually believe that my marriage is over. </p> <p>I have read all the comments from my fellow bloggers and i have taken it all in and in all honesty i can not say in my heart that i would not go back to him if he asked me to. i still adore him, love him with all my heart and soul. But i am begining to attempt to understand that there is a future and that like the comments have said, i am a better person than to be treated this way. i do not know what i will feel like in the morning, or in two days really. all i can see is the next few hours, and then i deal with the few hours after that. And on saturday when i return home i will sit down with my husband and talk and maybe we will come to some sort of decision. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/12/manchester~2442415/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/12/manchester~2442415/Tue, 12 Jun 2007 22:48:55 +0200 <p>Please read the previous post and help me. i am so confused and dont know what the hell to do. So i need advice </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/11/need_advice~2432424/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/11/need_advice~2432424/Mon, 11 Jun 2007 13:11:29 +0200 <p>yesterday my husband of fiver weeks turned to me and told me that he was not happy being married. I asked him if he loved me andhe told me that he did not know. That he was unsure that he still wanted to be married to me. After 5 weeks. He says that there is no one else, but he went out on thurday and bumped into a woman and they swapped numbers and he text her. I have asked him time and time again if he is still texting her but he swears that he is not. But after yesterday i no longer trust him. i feel as though i am in limbo while he decides if he wants to be with me or not. a huge part me thinks that i should just walk away, but i cant. i love him to much. but i dont deserve to be treated this way. i feel as though my whole life has just fallen apart. i no longer trust him i know that much. and i feel so pathetic for all this. i hate him but i still love him and i cant beleive that this is happening to me. if he turns around and says that he got it wrong, he does want to be married to me, how are we meant to recover from this and from all the things that he told me. THis is about him wanting to be with another woman and i cant pretend that he never said that to me. i cant just forget that he told me that talking to that girl the other night made him feel great. But he has only had sex with me once since we have been married and i cant remeber the time before that. he has no sex drive when it comes to me but it flares up with other women. how can i really stay married to him now. what if i never feel that he really wants to be with me. Should i walk while i still have a tiny piece of dignity left in me or just hang on in there and hope that it will work. i am not stupid i know that you need to work at a marriage and that this could be nothing more that his stupidness that he is commited to someone. But ifeel so hurt, that i cant begin to truely explain how i feel. But i am sure that most people can attempt to put themselves in my position. You just need to imagine that you are so happy and feel on top of the world, then you come home to have your husband of 5 weeks tell you that he is not happy being married to you. that he does not think that he wants to be with you, that the bastard is selfish and wants to screw other women to make himself feel better. that he thinks that he wants his single life back. i cant believe how much this hurts. perhaps i deserve this, i wish i knew. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/10/title~2427333/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/06/10/title~2427333/Sun, 10 Jun 2007 15:36:39 +0200 <p>This is it i am leaving my job for pastures new, and i am leaving all the wonderful people i have met. I am so sad to leave but i know that it is the right choice, besides that it is too late to change my mind. they have already hired my replacement she starts monday. i worry that they will become close to her and that i will not ever fit in any more, but i guess that once you dont work with people you dont tend to stay friends with them. i really hope that i do stay friends with them cause they are my friends. i have spent more time with them over the last year than i have any one else. god how pathetic does that make me sound. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/05/31/last_day_at_work~2368299/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/05/31/last_day_at_work~2368299/Thu, 31 May 2007 17:15:03 +0200 <p>so here i am back in the uk, married and back to work. i feel so miserable, i just want to cry. i feel as though i am so unhappy with my life, as though i dont want to be married to this man and that i have made a huge mistake. i want to go back home to my mother and feel safe, because at least there i can talk about my feelings. here i just bottle it all up because everytime i have ever tried to talk about feelings he never wants to listen. i think that i made a big mistake and that it is too late now. i am scared and feel really alone because i cant tell anyone my feelings, and i feel stupid because i feel this way. what if this is just a bit of depression. i did not take my drugs for nearly 2 weeks. (i take drugs to keep my mental status on a level as i suffer from anger issues and stress... not depression) i feel as though i am questioning my feelings for him. The day before the wedding he got so angry with me becuase i didnt clean the house, he shouted at me, swore at me and put the phone down on me, he was nasty and rude and i was almost at a point to call the whole wedding off. but i kept thinking that he was just nervous... which he was, but we have never talked about that arguement since then. i would never dare to bring it up. i should be happy i am a newly wed woman. So why am i so pathetic that i am feeling like this. I need to go back to the counsellor but there is a waiting list to see my woman and by the time i see her i probably wont feel this way any more. i feel like a great big pathetic thing that does not deserve the love and the marriage that i have been given. i dont like myself and i am pretty close to that feeling being hate. and that is not a place that i really want to go to. I am looking on the down side to everything and i hate it. Husband hates the wedding pictures and will not have them up in the house, i am begining to feel bitter about our wedding because in all honesty it was not exactly the way i wanted it to be, but we didnt have money for anything more, and everything i suggested He didnt like other than what we ended up with. And what if i have married the wrong person... or what if this is me being a wanker and i need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself and get on with life. This is what it is like. things are not like the movies, they are real and yes sometimes they are crap and i need to learn how to deal with that and not burry my head in the sand when i cant deal with things. Its ok if you are reading this and you think that i am pathetic and ungrateful and dont know good things when i have them, i am fully aware of this and will not be offended by any such comments. Please sort me out i will be grateful of this. i guess its as good as counselling but free!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/05/24/back_home~2324094/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ifeellikeiamdrowning.blog.co.uk/2007/05/24/back_home~2324094/Thu, 24 May 2007 07:32:39 +0200