Why is it that when i come home from a night out i can never sleep, that i feel that there is so much more, that in my drunken state clarity comes to me? Im nearly 30, all my friends are in steady relationships/married, they have their lives planned out for them, and all i have is a bottle of vodka and a packet of cigarettes. If i could live my life drunk without any of the implications then i would.
i dont know what i want, i dont know if i want children, i dont know what career path i want to follow, i barely know what i want to eat tomorrow. Is this normal for someone my age or am i an anomally? Am i the odd one out?
Sometimes i think that leaving is the best choice, to move away, to start again would be refreshing. but i am so scared of the unknown. I know that that is at least a normal (whatever normal is) feeling. Most people are scared of change and of things that are different. i know women who are in miserable marriages because they are scared of what people would think if they left.... that must be worst than any thing that i feel right now.
I live in such a small city that when people see a person of any ethnicity other than white on the street they still stare... how can this place be called a city when that still happens... a city that has had a university for 10 years and yet people still complain about those students that come here. i hate it here. i wish that i had the courage and the ability to just say ENOUGH and leave and move away. I am fed up of always being scared.
so lets say that i was makng the plans to escape.... and i wanted to move to manchester (i love it there). How do i start?
I need a job, somewhere to live.
What if i didnt make friends?
But then i guess unless i try i am always going to wonder what if?????
