I have had enough of movies and books giving us a false impression of life and the way that things work out or in my case dont. Its not as if anyone would want to see a film about me. Imagine the plot idea;
Overweight womans father dies, then gets married and husband walks out on her after five weeks,she loses her job, she gets depressed and cant leave the house, she gets fatter and fatter every day.
the only way anyone would watch this is if it was one of those "all come good" movies, and the woman lost weight, went on a journey of self discovery, found love and happiness and the career that she always longed for and recovered from her severe depression. But this is where i am slightly dillousional, I think that for my life to be worth something, it has to be worth watching and i need to acheive these things. And then i will get my romantic moment with a guy and the life style that really in my more rational moments i am never going to get.
Dont tell me to work hard for these things, cause i have been doing. I have been dieting, and exercising and still not lost any weight. I have been having treatment for depression for 2 and a half months, and i am stil totaly messed up. The dr tells me that i need to get over the depression before i tackle anything else, but they dont realise that a huge part of the depression is that i am fat, and that i dont have a job, or money or anything that makes me feel of some selfworth. Its like a pathetic catch 22 situation.
what is so wrong with wanting your life to be like a book or a film, apart from the dillusional part, why cant my life be like a film. a i will loose all the weight and be stunning, and then while i am on the track to discovering myself, and dealing with my loses, and finding the path for me, i will meet the most wonderful man, who wont be anything like my ex, and who will treat me with respect at all times, and we will have a great life together. Who am i kidding, this is never going to happen, no matter how hard i try because i have started to believe that there are no happy endings in life, just life itself which is a catalogue of disapointments.
Sometimes i am so scared that this is all that this life has to offer me.
