Annie's World

So thats my 28th Birthday over and done with, what a nightmare and now at least i do not have to go through that ordeal for another 363 days.

The birthday celebrations involved lots of eating out, yummy, a meal with Mr A and a long walk in the park. it would have been almost romantic if it wasnt for the fact that he has made it very clear that he only sees me as a friend and nothing more. The following evening my female friends took me out for dinner, the meal was great, then the night got worse.

I have not been drinking since the therapist told me that I have alcohol dependancy issues and sexual dependancy issues. So the idea of spending the night clubbing, and not being able to touch the two things that i love the most, was not high on my list. But they all wanted to and i just got dragged along for the ride. And then the arguements started.

Arguement 1) Began about cigarettes, because one of the "girls" didnt want another one to smoke her fags!!!

Arguement 2) Was about my friendship with MR A, who as i have said before is my friends ex, but i have known him long before they got together. It is obvious that my friends think that i am lying to them about what is going on between us, and that hurts. All night i could hear them talking about it when they thought that i wasnt listening. Whispering like children to one another. I stayed out of it, as is only best. But it hurts when your friends, people who have been your friends for most of your lifetime, do not belive you. They only have to ask me and I will tell them the truth.

there is nothing going on, yes occasionaly we get a little drunk and kiss or something else, but he does not feel anything more than friendship, he told me so. I think that sometimes i wish that there could be more between us, but it would be forced purely because we get on so well and it would be convienient, i think that i love him, but its not enough. i am not in love with him.

He his out tonight on a stag do, he text me to tell me. And it does cross my mind that he might pull and meet someone else. And then i will become that person again. the one who always ends up getting hurt.

My therapist says that I may have confidence when it comes to doing things, like public speaking and work but i have very little confidence in myself.

I am overweight, i dont think that i am very pretty, i know that i am a fairly nice person, other wise i wouldnt have friends. i am intelligent but not everyone appreciates that. Its like the fact that I like to read, and i write novels, and i paint. I smoke too much, and I drink about 15 cups of tea a day. I know that I have these things that I enjoy, like reading the paper with tea, a cigarette and toast on a saturday morning, going for walks in the park, visiting art gallerys and museums. So why is it so hard for me to actually be able to find someone who likes the lifestyle that i aspire to, and wants the same things out of life as i do?

I am 28 now, and it feels as if time is running away with me and every so often I stop and look around and see that i have not actually done anything new in the last however long.

I like the word Stagnating, as i think that it perfectly sums up my life 90% of the time.

I had one of the most fun days on thursday with the man, A i will call him. We went to the seaside, and paddled in the sea. Then we went back to his and ate chinese food and drank wine, it was perfect. Then i stayed over the night. Nothing happened even though he wanted it to, then in the morning we talked about what the hell was going on. He says that he does not know how he feels about me, whether it is just friendship or something more. I feel the same, although i think that it is too easy for me to feel more for him than is there. I know that i am vulnerable to easily falling for someone because of THE EX. But A has been a fantastic friend, we get on so well and its almost as though there should be more to us than there is because it almost makes sense. I am so confused about the way I feel about him, I dont want it to just be a sex thing, i want to be respected and cared for by someone. Not used.

Today, my female taxi driver gave me a run down of her life story. It basically went...
Was a seamstress, got married, had kids, quit work, started work in office, quit that, left my husband, moved abroad, became a bus driver, became a taxi driver.

Its as though she felt that by telling me her life story it would suddenly give me insight into what I am meant to be doing with my life. But I dont think driving or bus or a taxi is my thing, seeing as i dont even have a driving licence.

I just need direction. I wish that i could figure it out. Does everyone have these moments, when they know that something has to change, that they need a new career, but cant work out what it is they want to do. I am nearly 28, i was sure that I would have things a little more figured out than this. The thing is when i was with my ex, i never thought much about what I would do with myself, cause i thought we were going to have kids and that would kind of be it for a few years. But now, were not together, and I am all options open to me, I am screwed. I dont have a clue. i dont know how long i can keep drifting around till i come up with something.

I have begun the start of some radical changes. I have found the most beautiful little house at the seaside, its a three bedroom bungalow, walking distnance to the sea, in a small town about twenty minutes drive from Skegness. I have visions of me living there with my cat, and the dog I will most definatly get. Working at an animal rescue centre in the day and writing my second maybe third forth and fifth novel at night. Its a dream. And i cant let it go. Its a new life. I am not stupid enough to think that this will make all problems disapear, but I do know that a new start is something that I could benefit from at the moment. It might not be a really exciting place to live or an exciting thing to do. But I am not sure that I need all that kind of excitement. I need a more simple life. I really need my mums support in this though because the house i want i cant get on my own, especially if i am not going to be earning that much money anymore. i think that my mum can see that i need this.

Last night i went to my male friends house, the guy who i slept with a couple of weeks ago. We had a great night playing on the Wii and then I stayed over, which i often do and is not that bigger deal. But he was holding me, hugging me, he made me feel so safe and wanted and the feelings that I am getting are that of falling in love. It scared me there are so many reasons why we should not get it together.

1) He is my friend.
2) He is my friends ex boyfriend
3) We both suffer from depression
4) it could be a case of "because he is there"

there is just something about the way he makes me feel, I was watching my friend tonight with her fella and I saw them hugging each other and kissing and I felt that i just really wanted that. And I want that with him. But is it worth taking the risk of loosing two friends? No its not. But i dont know how to stop it.

Do i tell him how i feel and see if he feels the same, do i keep my mouth shut and continue with the excellent friendship that we have. But i just want to wake in his arms again. I want to wake in his arms every single morning.