I have spent the day either in bed or with my head down the toilet, I am not going to eat muscles again for a long long time!!!! Or drink cosmopolitians!!!
Last night was awful to be quite honest, I knew it would be bad when I arrived at the pub wearing the very same outfit as my friend (who rushed home to get changed!) Then as we entered the restaurant there was an old ex boyfriend (who in all honesty I have never been fully able to get over)then I drank the cosmopolitians and ate the muscles. Little did I know that I was going to have some reaction to them. later that night once rather tipsy from the cosmopolitans, I found myself sat in a room with all these loved up couples, about to get married, or are married, and I had a huge wave of loneliness hit me. I couldnt stand it anymore, I had to get out of there, so while waiting for my taxi I broke down in tears. The shit realisation of what my life really isnt makes me feel sick. I dont want to be this person anymore, I dont like her. She drinks to much, sleeps around with random men she has no feelings for, cant bring herself to allow herself to care too much for someone, or be cared about too much. And yet I dream almost every night of being loved and cared for. Its something that I want but dont know if I can have it or even if I deserve it.
Maybe I should leave, start a new life someplace else. I dont know if it would make me any happier, maybe i would just take these feelings somewhere else.
