Annie's World

I have spent the day either in bed or with my head down the toilet, I am not going to eat muscles again for a long long time!!!! Or drink cosmopolitians!!!

Last night was awful to be quite honest, I knew it would be bad when I arrived at the pub wearing the very same outfit as my friend (who rushed home to get changed!) Then as we entered the restaurant there was an old ex boyfriend (who in all honesty I have never been fully able to get over)then I drank the cosmopolitians and ate the muscles. Little did I know that I was going to have some reaction to them. later that night once rather tipsy from the cosmopolitans, I found myself sat in a room with all these loved up couples, about to get married, or are married, and I had a huge wave of loneliness hit me. I couldnt stand it anymore, I had to get out of there, so while waiting for my taxi I broke down in tears. The shit realisation of what my life really isnt makes me feel sick. I dont want to be this person anymore, I dont like her. She drinks to much, sleeps around with random men she has no feelings for, cant bring herself to allow herself to care too much for someone, or be cared about too much. And yet I dream almost every night of being loved and cared for. Its something that I want but dont know if I can have it or even if I deserve it.

Maybe I should leave, start a new life someplace else. I dont know if it would make me any happier, maybe i would just take these feelings somewhere else.

I have had one of the nicest weekends i have had in such a long time. And the most bizzarre fact is that it would have been my first wedding aniversary if we had still been together. I spent saturday morning shopping for jeans!!! And then spent the afternoon pampering myself, ready for a fantastic night out. We went to Nottingham, and my friend hired a Limo, it was so funny. A bunch of Lincolnshire Lasses in a white Limo going for a night out in Nottingham, it doesnt get more classy than that! Then Sunday, with my hang over from hell and after 5 hours with my head down the loo, i went to a BBQ, what a nice way to spend my wedding aniversary, with my friends! then today i have had a nice day with my family, and yet another bbq!!! Now i am sat in the still warm evening, covered in bites from the gnats, and dreading the fact that i have to go back to work tomorrow. Wishing and wishing that my life was something else. Does everyone feel this way, this feeling of dread that things are so mundane that you are desperate for something, almost anything to happen? Is this just me?

Sometimes i day dream that i am someone else and have a different life, but even in my day dreams i still find the things that i do a bit dull. Oh no dont tell me that it is my imagination, that this is the dream and that the world i day dream about is real and that is just as dull. That gives no hope at all for anything exciting to happen to me. Or perhaps i should be saying not to me, because that implies that i am waiting around for something to happen, when i know that i should be going out and make it happen for myself. God its dull thoough, people constantly telling me that i need a plan... as though that will make it better, if i plan it all out. I cant figure out what to have for my tea most nights, never mind what career path i want to follow for the next few years.