Annie's World

I went to the doctor yesterday cause i was bit under the weather, i have had a cough for over a month now and the dr told me that it was an infection that was in my lungs. and i have got to go and have all these breathing tests done to see if i need an inhaler. I cant believe it, i love smoking its my way of relaxing, putting my feet up with a ciggie and a cuppa tea, and my breaks at work away from the desk all revolve around having a cigarette, and now no more. I am not stupid enough to risk keeping smoking, i may not want to stop but i know that my health must come first. So i have bought a nicorette inhalator and am giving that a shot and i can promise any smoker out there that this is really pure will power, these giving up aids are a myth, but pyschologically i think that something kicks in and they work that way.

So its been 23 hours since i last had a ciggie and so far its not been to bad, but i have been off work and sleeping a lot cause of the infection. i am going back to work tomorrow and that will be the test.

I havent been here for so long now, and it seems that the only time i write these days is when i am sad. I can only channel my creativity when i feel crap about myself and my life and that is not what i want. Its almost a year since i got married, i cant understand where the time has gone, the worst part is that i still miss him, even though he has his new life and has totally forgotten about me, i still think about him all the time, every day. Today i saw a car like his with a baby seat in it and it made me think that for all i know his knew girlfriend could b having a baby with him, he wouldnt have to tell me, there is no rule that says he needs to let me know. Why do i still think that i have anything to do with him any more. I still think of the house that he lives in with his new girlfriend as my house. Its not my house. i dont have my house anymore. If we had not got married i would not be feeling this way at all, i am sure. the most annoying thing is that i meet people, i have met a few really nice guys but i just mess it up because i am not ready. but i want to be ready so so so so badly want to be ready to have another relationship. i am fed up of being lonely. I know that there are people who say i should spend time getting to know me, but i know me, i know who i am i may not know what i want but why does that mean that i cant have a bit of fun, someone to spend time with and have fun with?

I want to not be the person who is constantly moaning about her life, my boss actually said to me that i crave attention and play the poor old me card so that people pay me attention. I was so angry about this, but perhaps she has a point. I spend my time feeling sorry for myself and then i get a burst of self confidence and go out and get pissed and sleep with some random man who i run away from when they show me too much attention.

I have even begun to find myself dull, and self obsessed, and wondering what happened to me.
Self pittying.