i have been sleeping for 2 days solid, i have not dressed or showered i have just slept, with the aid of the tablets that the doctor gave me for panic attacks. everyone thinks that i am getting better because that is what i want them to think, so that things can start to get back to the way they should be. but i dont even know what that is anymore. i dont know what to do, where to work, what to eat, what to wear, who to talk to, who to spend time with. i think about the same things over and over again,in some sort of circle that sends me crazy to the point of hiding my head under the pillow and listening to music loud to drown out myself. My EX, My Job, what a mess i have made of things, having to collect my belongings from the job i just resigned from, money, christmas, lonelyness, not having a child. AND THIS IS WHY I WOULD RATHER SLEEP.

i hate this version of myself, i dont know who is she is and i dont recognise myself anymore. i miss the old me, before all the shit happened. but you cant go back and even if you could how could you be sure that things would not just happen the same way. some people are made of strong stuff, me i am just made of crap.

i do have a low opinion of myself, but i have never done anything worth not having a low opinion.

i say to myself, quite a lot, GET OVER YOURSELF, there are a lot more people who are a lot worse off than me. but i would never tell someone who was diagnoised with cancer that there are people worse off than them. that would be horrible.

i am fed up of people and their stupid "triumph" stories that they all feel that they HAVE to tell me. Everyone that you meet has one, they have been through something similar, their children have, their neices etc and they all came out the other side, and are now happier than they have ever been... blah blah blah blah blah. i hate these stories. they piss me off. I am not so stupid to think that things will be like this for ever, i am intelligent i know that things will be different this time next year. that is they way it works, but at the moment i HATE things and dont want them to exist. i would rather sleep.