Well i have left my husband for a few days to give him time to try and think about what it is he wants. Last night my sister called me and i told her everything that had been going on and she invited me to stay with her for a few days. then last night me and my husband talked more and we went over the same things time and time again. he still feels the same, and it doesnt seem to matter what it is i say to him i am unable to change his mind. Or even help him realise what he wants. We were stood in the kitchen and he was holding me tight to him saying that he was sorry and that he had never meant to hurt me this way, i cant remember how this came to but he told me that it wasnt just marriage that he was not wanting to have, that it was marriage with me that he was not sure that he wants. So basically he is telling me that he does not want to be in any form of relationship with me anymore. So i decided to leave. Just for a few days. i went to my friends last night and she gave me vodka and cigarettes and i got drunk. this was after i had walked the streets of where i live sobbing my heart out while i was on the telephone to my mother trying to tell her that i was going to be ok, but all i could blurt out was that i could not understand what was going on. so after drinking and smoking then i went home to my husband and i curled up in a pile in the spare room and listened to my ipod while writing in my diary, and crying again. it was late when i fell asleep but i have no idea what time, and i woke at 4am, and never went back to sleep. i cried myself until i was physically sick, and shaking. my eyes swelled up and my skin was blotchy. my being sick woke him and he called to me and took me to our bed, then he lay me on the bed and pulled the quilt over me and held me, telling me to calm down and soothing me, and all i could think was how could he so obviously care so much for me and at the same time want things to be over. So i called in sick at work as i was in no fit state at all. i explained that we were seperated, i think that is a fair comment. And i asked for the rest of the week off, and he said no problem. Then i left and came to manchester. I feel as though i am numb, that none of this is real and that things are all going to sort themselves out in the end. i dont think, despite my ability to tell people that i think that we arer seperated, that i can actually believe that my marriage is over.
I have read all the comments from my fellow bloggers and i have taken it all in and in all honesty i can not say in my heart that i would not go back to him if he asked me to. i still adore him, love him with all my heart and soul. But i am begining to attempt to understand that there is a future and that like the comments have said, i am a better person than to be treated this way. i do not know what i will feel like in the morning, or in two days really. all i can see is the next few hours, and then i deal with the few hours after that. And on saturday when i return home i will sit down with my husband and talk and maybe we will come to some sort of decision.
