NEED ADVICE

It sounds like getting married was a bad idea. You don't say if there are children belonging to your relationship - I just wonder as sometimes people get married after being together for a long time.

Were you together for a long time before you actually tied the knot?

I have been in a similar situation and know how humiliating it can feel. But you are worth far more than this. If you were told this by someone else you would know exactly what to say to them.

Just imagine you had a beautiful talented daughter you loved very much and she was telling you this tale. Would you think it made sense for her to stay with a man who had treated her this way?

You say you love this person. I wonder if you really do. You might be emotionally dependent and/or infatuated but I don't think love is a real description of how you really feel about this person.
Unlesss you knew he was likely to behave this way and decided that it was part of his personality and that you loved his free attitude to relationships and it made you feel good about yourself, the you could realistically call it love.

But honestly - you don't even know this guy do you? This has come as a shock - he is someone unpleasant you hadn't realised he was - and now you don't trust him.

Why on earth should you trust him? He has made a committment to you and within 5 weeks he has betrayed that committment.

You deserve better than him, and you will find better than him.

Before you find love in a relationship you need to take time to learn to love yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself negative things.

Tell yourself it is great this happened so early on and not years down the line.

Dump the ignorant insensitive git and move on. Life is a huge adventure and he is holding you back and keeping you down.

You will be stronger happier wiser and more beautiful because of it.

This is not about forgiveness it is about the survival of your spirit.

I agree with banana.

You could always give him an ultimatum. Say that unless he changes his ways you will have to leave him. You could always threaten to sleep with other people and see how he likes it.

The problem with the ultimatum idea is it gives him the power in the relationship.

It is giving him a choice as to whether she stays with him or not.

He does not deserve that privilege.

It also leaves her with the job of watching and waiting and suspecting him and tormenting herself as to whether or not she has enough 'evidence' to kick him out. A soul destroying option and one which leaves him to make the usual whinges of 'if you trusted me I wouldn't have to sleep around'.

There is also the chance he will say 'Fine - I'm leaving' in which case she will have to cope with the fact that the guy not only treated her like dirt he then dumped her into the bargain.

Plus threatening to sleep with other people only works if you are going to do it and if you have strong self esteem and would enjoy it.

Devaluing your body and sexual favours would only reduce your self esteem further.

If he is the pig I think he is - he would probably come out with something untrue but hurtful like 'who would want to sleep with you anyway?'

Don't give the git any more opportunity to have power over you Annie. People can only hurt you if you let 'em. Which is not the same as saying you 'asked for it' because you didn't - but you are wiser now and need to make good choices that lead to good results.

Head up shoulders back and take pride in the unique and valuable person you are. You deserve much better than this toe-rag.

I agree that this fellow is a toe-rag and your solution is empowering, banana. But, is there no way to rescue this relationship? I just think there must have been something that made them get married in the first place that might be able to get back.

I think this fellow is holding all the power at the moment and she meekly isn't asserting herself. That's why he's getting delusions of grandeur. He probably hasn't even thought about what it would feel like the other way round, that's why i think it would shock/upset him to hear it.

The ultimatum idea doesn't necessarily empower him. I think it might work as the slap in the face he might need to realise what he could lose. It's empowering for the person giving the ultimatum. Just lay out the facts about the love and wanting things to work but demmand that he re-affirms his commitment. If he can't then she walks. In the ultimatum, she's saying, i leave you if you can't give me what i want. She can articulate exactly what she wants from him and see if he agrees.

It's like the sleeping with people threat. He truly would be a nasty piece of work if he said, 'who would want to' to her. Also, i think the worst paranoia in a relationship is your partner fancying other people. He probably hasn't even considered that she might be having such empowering ideas. (whether she would carry it out or not.) So, again, it's shock tactics, and I really hope she wins whatever she decides to do.