Annie's World

That time we were in San Diego and you got mad at me because i asked if you still wanted to get off the bus at this crappy little bar, and you sat down and the table and ordered me to get your beer.... your lazy and a bully and i wish id told you to get your own bloody beer.

Each time you sat on your lazy backside in that grotty arm chair and ordered me to get your beer from the fridge because you couldnt be bothered.... i hated you every second that i go you that beer.

the day before our wedding when you called me while i was picking up my wedding dress to tell me that you were mad because i was not home to clean the house for your friends coming over...i wish that i had told you to stuff the wedding as the truth was at that moment when you made me cry in the middle of a crouded resturant i didnt want to marry you.

Your hygiene left a lot to be desired. It is now common place to shower more than once a week and to clean the bed sheets and covers more than once a year. The tide mark that your filth left on the bed sheets made me feel sick and each morning when you had gone to work i would fabreeze the bed and the room to attempt to make it smell nice, cause when i started changing the sheets more often you got mad that i was using to much water!!!!!

you were the most boring person i have ever been on holiday with... sitting on a bench at San Diego Zoo listening to your ipod cause your too lazy to walk around is DULL. Wanting to sit in the hotel room each night watching american tv and ordering room service and NOT wanting to have sex... is DULL, being in Las Vegas and choosing to be in bed at eleven each night is DULL..... YOU ARE DULL.

When i left i sold the sofas and bought a lap top.... i emptied the joint account and bought a new outfit, got very drunk with my friends and had FUN.

I have had enough of movies and books giving us a false impression of life and the way that things work out or in my case dont. Its not as if anyone would want to see a film about me. Imagine the plot idea;

Overweight womans father dies, then gets married and husband walks out on her after five weeks,she loses her job, she gets depressed and cant leave the house, she gets fatter and fatter every day.

the only way anyone would watch this is if it was one of those "all come good" movies, and the woman lost weight, went on a journey of self discovery, found love and happiness and the career that she always longed for and recovered from her severe depression. But this is where i am slightly dillousional, I think that for my life to be worth something, it has to be worth watching and i need to acheive these things. And then i will get my romantic moment with a guy and the life style that really in my more rational moments i am never going to get.

Dont tell me to work hard for these things, cause i have been doing. I have been dieting, and exercising and still not lost any weight. I have been having treatment for depression for 2 and a half months, and i am stil totaly messed up. The dr tells me that i need to get over the depression before i tackle anything else, but they dont realise that a huge part of the depression is that i am fat, and that i dont have a job, or money or anything that makes me feel of some selfworth. Its like a pathetic catch 22 situation.

what is so wrong with wanting your life to be like a book or a film, apart from the dillusional part, why cant my life be like a film. a i will loose all the weight and be stunning, and then while i am on the track to discovering myself, and dealing with my loses, and finding the path for me, i will meet the most wonderful man, who wont be anything like my ex, and who will treat me with respect at all times, and we will have a great life together. Who am i kidding, this is never going to happen, no matter how hard i try because i have started to believe that there are no happy endings in life, just life itself which is a catalogue of disapointments.

Sometimes i am so scared that this is all that this life has to offer me.

the doctor has changed my medication, I am having withdrawl symptoms from the old ones. I had a disciplinary meeting with my employer and am now waiting to hear if i still have a job to go back to. Things are not gett better and I dont know why.

The other day i actually googled "How to kill yourself" to find an easy way of doing it. I read somewhere that socrates kiled himself by drinking hemlock. He just added it to his drink and then the job was done. I dont know how to obtain hemlock. but i like the idea of just drinking something and then its over.

I am fed up of people, they iritate me, always asking me "how you doing"? i know that they care and that is why they ask, but they dont really want me to tell them, they want me to say. "yeah i'm ok thanks" They do not want to hear the truth. The worst part is that i can see that there are people worse off than me, but it doesnt make any difference. I guess that is what depression does to a person. it makes you so selfish that you dont care about other people. In fact other people irritate me so much with their stories (everyone has them) and their stupid advice, that i get angry with them. About the smallest things. I just really dont know what to do. And when i say that i don think that i can totaly explain what that feels like. Its as though nothing makes sense, and that I am not able to figure out anything. as though everything i do is done by someone else who is in control of my body and I am just going along for the ride. I dont care about anything at all.

So thats my 28th Birthday over and done with, what a nightmare and now at least i do not have to go through that ordeal for another 363 days.

The birthday celebrations involved lots of eating out, yummy, a meal with Mr A and a long walk in the park. it would have been almost romantic if it wasnt for the fact that he has made it very clear that he only sees me as a friend and nothing more. The following evening my female friends took me out for dinner, the meal was great, then the night got worse.

I have not been drinking since the therapist told me that I have alcohol dependancy issues and sexual dependancy issues. So the idea of spending the night clubbing, and not being able to touch the two things that i love the most, was not high on my list. But they all wanted to and i just got dragged along for the ride. And then the arguements started.

Arguement 1) Began about cigarettes, because one of the "girls" didnt want another one to smoke her fags!!!

Arguement 2) Was about my friendship with MR A, who as i have said before is my friends ex, but i have known him long before they got together. It is obvious that my friends think that i am lying to them about what is going on between us, and that hurts. All night i could hear them talking about it when they thought that i wasnt listening. Whispering like children to one another. I stayed out of it, as is only best. But it hurts when your friends, people who have been your friends for most of your lifetime, do not belive you. They only have to ask me and I will tell them the truth.

there is nothing going on, yes occasionaly we get a little drunk and kiss or something else, but he does not feel anything more than friendship, he told me so. I think that sometimes i wish that there could be more between us, but it would be forced purely because we get on so well and it would be convienient, i think that i love him, but its not enough. i am not in love with him.

He his out tonight on a stag do, he text me to tell me. And it does cross my mind that he might pull and meet someone else. And then i will become that person again. the one who always ends up getting hurt.

My therapist says that I may have confidence when it comes to doing things, like public speaking and work but i have very little confidence in myself.

I am overweight, i dont think that i am very pretty, i know that i am a fairly nice person, other wise i wouldnt have friends. i am intelligent but not everyone appreciates that. Its like the fact that I like to read, and i write novels, and i paint. I smoke too much, and I drink about 15 cups of tea a day. I know that I have these things that I enjoy, like reading the paper with tea, a cigarette and toast on a saturday morning, going for walks in the park, visiting art gallerys and museums. So why is it so hard for me to actually be able to find someone who likes the lifestyle that i aspire to, and wants the same things out of life as i do?

I am 28 now, and it feels as if time is running away with me and every so often I stop and look around and see that i have not actually done anything new in the last however long.

I like the word Stagnating, as i think that it perfectly sums up my life 90% of the time.

I had one of the most fun days on thursday with the man, A i will call him. We went to the seaside, and paddled in the sea. Then we went back to his and ate chinese food and drank wine, it was perfect. Then i stayed over the night. Nothing happened even though he wanted it to, then in the morning we talked about what the hell was going on. He says that he does not know how he feels about me, whether it is just friendship or something more. I feel the same, although i think that it is too easy for me to feel more for him than is there. I know that i am vulnerable to easily falling for someone because of THE EX. But A has been a fantastic friend, we get on so well and its almost as though there should be more to us than there is because it almost makes sense. I am so confused about the way I feel about him, I dont want it to just be a sex thing, i want to be respected and cared for by someone. Not used.

Today, my female taxi driver gave me a run down of her life story. It basically went...
Was a seamstress, got married, had kids, quit work, started work in office, quit that, left my husband, moved abroad, became a bus driver, became a taxi driver.

Its as though she felt that by telling me her life story it would suddenly give me insight into what I am meant to be doing with my life. But I dont think driving or bus or a taxi is my thing, seeing as i dont even have a driving licence.

I just need direction. I wish that i could figure it out. Does everyone have these moments, when they know that something has to change, that they need a new career, but cant work out what it is they want to do. I am nearly 28, i was sure that I would have things a little more figured out than this. The thing is when i was with my ex, i never thought much about what I would do with myself, cause i thought we were going to have kids and that would kind of be it for a few years. But now, were not together, and I am all options open to me, I am screwed. I dont have a clue. i dont know how long i can keep drifting around till i come up with something.

I have begun the start of some radical changes. I have found the most beautiful little house at the seaside, its a three bedroom bungalow, walking distnance to the sea, in a small town about twenty minutes drive from Skegness. I have visions of me living there with my cat, and the dog I will most definatly get. Working at an animal rescue centre in the day and writing my second maybe third forth and fifth novel at night. Its a dream. And i cant let it go. Its a new life. I am not stupid enough to think that this will make all problems disapear, but I do know that a new start is something that I could benefit from at the moment. It might not be a really exciting place to live or an exciting thing to do. But I am not sure that I need all that kind of excitement. I need a more simple life. I really need my mums support in this though because the house i want i cant get on my own, especially if i am not going to be earning that much money anymore. i think that my mum can see that i need this.

Last night i went to my male friends house, the guy who i slept with a couple of weeks ago. We had a great night playing on the Wii and then I stayed over, which i often do and is not that bigger deal. But he was holding me, hugging me, he made me feel so safe and wanted and the feelings that I am getting are that of falling in love. It scared me there are so many reasons why we should not get it together.

1) He is my friend.
2) He is my friends ex boyfriend
3) We both suffer from depression
4) it could be a case of "because he is there"

there is just something about the way he makes me feel, I was watching my friend tonight with her fella and I saw them hugging each other and kissing and I felt that i just really wanted that. And I want that with him. But is it worth taking the risk of loosing two friends? No its not. But i dont know how to stop it.

Do i tell him how i feel and see if he feels the same, do i keep my mouth shut and continue with the excellent friendship that we have. But i just want to wake in his arms again. I want to wake in his arms every single morning.

I have spent the day either in bed or with my head down the toilet, I am not going to eat muscles again for a long long time!!!! Or drink cosmopolitians!!!

Last night was awful to be quite honest, I knew it would be bad when I arrived at the pub wearing the very same outfit as my friend (who rushed home to get changed!) Then as we entered the restaurant there was an old ex boyfriend (who in all honesty I have never been fully able to get over)then I drank the cosmopolitians and ate the muscles. Little did I know that I was going to have some reaction to them. later that night once rather tipsy from the cosmopolitans, I found myself sat in a room with all these loved up couples, about to get married, or are married, and I had a huge wave of loneliness hit me. I couldnt stand it anymore, I had to get out of there, so while waiting for my taxi I broke down in tears. The shit realisation of what my life really isnt makes me feel sick. I dont want to be this person anymore, I dont like her. She drinks to much, sleeps around with random men she has no feelings for, cant bring herself to allow herself to care too much for someone, or be cared about too much. And yet I dream almost every night of being loved and cared for. Its something that I want but dont know if I can have it or even if I deserve it.

Maybe I should leave, start a new life someplace else. I dont know if it would make me any happier, maybe i would just take these feelings somewhere else.

I have had one of the nicest weekends i have had in such a long time. And the most bizzarre fact is that it would have been my first wedding aniversary if we had still been together. I spent saturday morning shopping for jeans!!! And then spent the afternoon pampering myself, ready for a fantastic night out. We went to Nottingham, and my friend hired a Limo, it was so funny. A bunch of Lincolnshire Lasses in a white Limo going for a night out in Nottingham, it doesnt get more classy than that! Then Sunday, with my hang over from hell and after 5 hours with my head down the loo, i went to a BBQ, what a nice way to spend my wedding aniversary, with my friends! then today i have had a nice day with my family, and yet another bbq!!! Now i am sat in the still warm evening, covered in bites from the gnats, and dreading the fact that i have to go back to work tomorrow. Wishing and wishing that my life was something else. Does everyone feel this way, this feeling of dread that things are so mundane that you are desperate for something, almost anything to happen? Is this just me?

Sometimes i day dream that i am someone else and have a different life, but even in my day dreams i still find the things that i do a bit dull. Oh no dont tell me that it is my imagination, that this is the dream and that the world i day dream about is real and that is just as dull. That gives no hope at all for anything exciting to happen to me. Or perhaps i should be saying not to me, because that implies that i am waiting around for something to happen, when i know that i should be going out and make it happen for myself. God its dull thoough, people constantly telling me that i need a plan... as though that will make it better, if i plan it all out. I cant figure out what to have for my tea most nights, never mind what career path i want to follow for the next few years.